Time for a slice of honesty
I ended up bailing halfway through Fridays workshop thing.
An overwhelming sense of just not wanting to be in that room just took me and i left.
I think it was mainly due to the fact that i was not happy with the outcome of my project.
I didn't like the thought of my whole class judging my practise on that outcome
And in reality i didn't enjoy the project.
I think some of the most basic work I've ever made in the whole 3 years actually.
And it wasn't my partner or the fact was i was collaborating, my partner was cooperative and focused on the project at all times, but i think in reality the subject that we picked, in basic terms wasn't interesting to me and so the work was just half hearted which made the final outcome the same. I don't think we pushed each other or got the best out of each other as we are very people in the ways we work.
Our final piece was a very basic book that did exactly what we were asked for but i was not proud of it.
It did not push me or inspire me in any way, so therefore whenever i would see someone out of the corner of my eye look at our work, i just got this big gut feeling of disappointment that judgement was being made over me on that piece.
Its a really personal thing drawing and you do put yourself into work and i don't think that shows what i can do or achieve.
When i spoke to one of my lecturers about the work, briefly before on some guidance about things we could do to make the piece better, i got the feeling that the work hit a standard that i was seen at, and it really affected my mood.
I don't want to be seen as hitting a level of acceptability. I really want to push myself and my work forward.
I might not want to become a freelance illustrator but i still want to do the possible best i can with all my work while I'm still in education and learning my practise.
Its really tough thing to communicate across what i have going on in my head at the moment about how i work and why i work.
I just know that right now, I'm in a rut, and i had this feeling with my last project also, but tried to blow it off with saying that "oh well, just enjoy being a uni, and do it all for yourself" but that's not the case. I want to do well, and get vibes that i will never get passed that ceiling of my intelligence when it comes to an artists practise (eurgh stop using that word Rachel)
So sorry to go off on a personal rant, but i know it will affect my outcomes and i think its important that i include this on the blog as its whats going on at the moment.